My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
