life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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