My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
