You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
