And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
