I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
