remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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