Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
