Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
