one might say we're banned from that church
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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