Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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