you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
