I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
