Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
