Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
