you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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