glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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