They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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