You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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