it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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