It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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