Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Your face is a jimmy john
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
