my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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