allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
