Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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