My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
