Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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