Your dad touched me again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
