if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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