I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
