answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
