i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
