dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
