somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
