It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
