I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
