I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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