Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
