I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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