why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
