During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How's work?
Spinning.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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