Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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