I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
