I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
