Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
