We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
