turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
