She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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