If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
