I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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