So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
