I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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